And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
