My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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