You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
