She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
