i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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