mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
