Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
