Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
