i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
