He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
