well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize