I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
