Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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