I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
