I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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