Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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