did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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