I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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