i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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