my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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