Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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