so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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