someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
