i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
