It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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