mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
