i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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