low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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