dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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