Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
You left your phone here
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