I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
