btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
