you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
