those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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