btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
