at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Randomize
