So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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