Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
