Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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