Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
