Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
