I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize