kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
