I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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