There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
