just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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