I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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