Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
