so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
