I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize