also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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