K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
