She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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