Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
