i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
