Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
