can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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