he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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