Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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