They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
