My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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