perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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