Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
